My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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