Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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