Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just gift wrapped bread.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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