so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
