Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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