I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
