When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
