Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
