the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
