i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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