Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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