Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Ladies don't puke and tell
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
