I wish my penis had an off switch
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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