She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
