If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
