Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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