you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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