I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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