remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Vodka?
Forever.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
