i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Randomize
