Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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