Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
