Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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