Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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