We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
