Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
