I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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