Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
