About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
