when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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