last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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