I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
