WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
