it was like having sex with a tree stump
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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