woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
