Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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