i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
