He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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