I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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