i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
