every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
