Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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