i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
