What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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