i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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