My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
