bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
