Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
