Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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