i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
